Clinical Observations on Limerence: New Clinical Patterns and Treatment Considerations
/A global caveat: The patterns described here are descriptive clinical observations, not proposed diagnostic categories.
The concept of limerence was first identified by psychologist Dorothy Tennov during her research in the 1960s and 1970s. She documented her work in the text, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. What I find particularly interesting is how Tennov developed the term limerenence and used it to describe a mental state characterized by obsessive infatuations with another person during the early stages of romantic love. The term doesn’t have a traditional etymology; she selected it because she felt it appropriately captured the emotional essence of what she was observing in her research. Through her research, she was able to identify a distinct subset of people who were completely consumed by an intense desire for another person, which she termed their ‘limerent object (LO).’ These individuals consistently displayed a recognizable pattern of symptoms that characterized this state of profound infatuation.
The specific symptoms Tennov identified that characterize this state of limerence (adapted from Living with Limerence, n.d.)
· Individuals experience frequent intrusive thoughts about their limerent object,or LO, who represents a potential romantic or sexual partner.
· There's an acute longing for reciprocation of equally intense feelings from the other person.
· An exaggerated dependency of mood on the LO's actions. People experience elation when they sense any reciprocation, but can feel devastated when they perceive disinterest.
· Individuals typically can't direct these limerent feelings toward more than one person at a time.
· There's often fleeting relief from unrequited feelings through vivid fantasies about reciprocation from the LO.
· Insecurity or shyness commonly emerges when the person is in the LO's presence, which often manifests in physical symptoms like sweating, stammering, or a racing heart.
· Interestingly, adversity tends to intensify these feelings rather than diminish them.
· People frequently describe an aching sensation in their chest area when uncertainty about the relationship is particularly strong.
· What stands out is the general intensity of feeling that pushes other life concerns into the background.
· For some people, limerence becomes their primary way of experiencing romantic relationships, and their life unfolds as a series of these intense episodes. For others, limerence can appear unexpectedly during an otherwise steady romantic history, leading them to believe there's something truly extraordinary about the person who has become their first limerent object.
· Finally, limerent individuals emphasize the LO's positive features while minimizing or empathizing with their negative traits.
In my clinical experience, I have worked with numerous individuals grappling with limerence. One consistent observation is that the intrusive thoughts characteristic of limerence differ notably from those associated with OCD. Rather than the persistent, OCD related intrusions, limerent thoughts more closely resemble the preoccupations seen in phobic responses (the intensity of these thoughts does not usually reach the level observed in obsessive-compulsive disorder)..
Individuals with limerence often experience (Living with Limerence, n.d.):
difficulties with: initial euphoria that transitions to craving,
involuntary, intrusive thoughts that are difficult to resist, compulsive behaviour linked to seeking (direct or indirect contact with the LO),
erratic mood,
neglect of other personal and professional responsibilities,
poor decision making, and
monomania that leaves other concerns in distant second place
Social media Limerence
More recently, I have observed that some individuals who struggle with limerence develop intense attachment to a limerent object who is either emotionally unavailable or someone they may never truly know. In many cases, this attachment forms around an idealized partner type encountered on social media. As a result, the limerent object becomes the person behind the social media account. This person is someone who often presents only a curated version of themselves and carefully shapes content to appear in a particular light.
Many people whose limerent object exists primarily through social media become caught in repeated “checking” behaviours that feel difficult to resist. Checking may include refreshing the person’s profile multiple times a day, scanning for new posts or stories, looking for subtle signs of mood or availability, and interpreting captions, emojis, or song choices as hidden messages. They may monitor the limerent object’s followers and following lists, compare themselves to other commenters, and search for evidence of romantic involvement through tags, likes, or reposts. Some individuals repeatedly revisit old content: rewatching stories, rereading comments, or zooming in on photos, while mentally rehearsing possible future interactions or imagining what it would be like to be noticed. Although checking provides a brief sense of relief, hope, or closeness, it often strengthens the attachment over time by reinforcing the belief that something meaningful might happen, keeping the person emotionally tethered to a carefully curated online version of the limerent object.
Social media creates a paradoxical sense of intimacy with individuals we may barely know or have never met. Those who maintain social media accounts seek to humanize themselves while simultaneously presenting a carefully curated version of their lives. The account user may show vulnerability in controlled doses, share personal moments selectively, and craft an aspirational image. This combination is particularly potent for limerence: the LO feels accessible and knowable through their posts, stories, and updates, yet remains idealized because only their best qualities, most flattering angles, and most appealing moments are on display. The limerent person experiences this curated presentation as genuine intimacy, which deepens their attachment and fuels romanticization. They interpret glimpses into the LO's daily life and interpret these social media engagements as meaningful connections or invitations, when in reality they're consuming content designed for broad consumption. This illusion of closeness, combined with the impossibility of seeing the LO's flaws or mundane reality, creates the perfect conditions for fantasy to flourish unchecked.
Yearning and Limerence
There are multiple ways to treat limerence, and effective treatment often begins with understanding how learning and reinforcement sustain the attachment. From a behavioural perspective, classical conditioning and reward based reinforcement can shape a person to repeatedly return to the source of emotional “reward,” particularly when attention, intermittent communication, or perceived closeness provides relief, hope, or validation. In many cases, the very patterns of attention the individual receives (especially when inconsistent) strengthen the limerent cycle. Alongside behavioural work, cognitive strategies are also essential. This includes identifying and challenging cognitive distortions that commonly intensify limerence, such as black-and-white thinking or the fantasy that the limerent object is “the one.” In my clinical view, many individuals benefit from an OCD-informed approach to treatment, which focuses on recognizing the safety behaviours (e.g., checking, reassurance seeking, mental reviewing) that maintain limerence and systematically reducing them. However, relatively little of the literature speaks to the role of yearning as a central driver of limerent experiences. For many, limerence is not only about attraction, but about a deeper core fear, often the fear of being alone. In this way, the limerent object can become a powerful symbol of validation, emotional protection, and perceived safety.
Many people will argue that they have significant others who provide emotional stability and are feeling quite secure in their relationship(s), and yet still feel limerance towards an object. I would argue that a mental filter exists that doesn’t process this information (the information that supports the idea that they are secure), and as a result, anything that supports the idea that they will be alone, not desired, or unwanted will be processed (this happens on a subconscious level). Therefore, when the person is feeling alone, or an opportunity presents itself to obtain validation (although it’s not quite processed because of the mental filter), the person is more willing seek out or accept the validation from the LO.
I do believe that anxiety may be an emotion that participates in the experience, but yearning further intensifies the desire for the LO. Yearning can be seperated in three motivational clinical patterns: physical yearning, yearning to be worthy, and yearning to satisfy the fantasy.
Physical Yearning and Limerence
I believe that for some individuals, limerence is significantly influenced by physical yearning and sexual desire.The limerent person constructs a sexualized narrative about the LO, which evolves into a fantasy they hope will be realized. The behaviours they engage in to attract the LO's attention serve to amplify and reinforce this fantasy. When the LO responds positively, it validates and intensifies their hope that the fantasy might come true. During periods of waiting for the LO's engagement, the pull of the fantasy can grow stronger, which paradoxically increases the limerent person's compulsion to reach out, as if more contact will improve their odds of turning the fantasy into reality. This is where my hypothesis extends beyond consensus. Tennov's original research emphasized that limerence is distinct from simple sexual attraction. Many limerent individuals report that sexual desire is present but secondary to the emotional longing for reciprocation. I want to be clear, that this is a clinical pattern of limerence and not just a sole factor to consider when observing a limerant person.
Part of this clinical pattern includes:
Novelty-Seeking/Dopamine-Driven Limerence - This clinical pattern is characterized by a pattern of serial limerence, in which individuals rapidly move from one limerent object to another, experiencing intense euphoria during the early stages that quickly dissipates (part of this eurphoria increases when the LO displays or verbalized sexual interest). Rather than attachment to a specific person, the neurochemical rush of uncertainty, novelty, and pursuit appears to be the primary reinforcer. This pattern may correlate with ADHD, sensation-seeking personality traits, or difficulties with dopamine regulation. For these individuals, the "high" of a new attraction and the dopamine spike associated with unpredictability become addictive in itself. Once reciprocation removes uncertainty or the relationship becomes predictable, the limerent feelings fade and the person often transfers their focus to a new target. The LO is almost interchangeable. What matters is the neurochemical experience of the chase rather than the unique qualities of any particular person. I work with my clients by addressing underlying attention and reward seeking patterns. I also focus on potentially incorporating strategies for managing dopamine dysregulation and building tolerance for the stability of established relationships.
Worthiness
Many people I've worked with who struggle with limerence also grapple with feelings of unworthiness. The LO becomes a means of resolving this internal conflict. By idealizing the LO, they reinforce the belief that they are worthy of attracting a highly valuable partner. Each positive interaction with this perceived high value person serves as evidence of their own worth. The fantasy elevates the LO even higher on a pedestal, which paradoxically intensifies the limerent person's need to prove their worthiness through this connection. However, when the LO withdraws attention, the limerent person is left feeling unworthy, which drives them to continue reaching out, both to reclaim that sense of worth and to avoid the pain of feeling inadequate.
Part of this clinical pattern includes:
Trauma Bonded Limerence - Trauma bonded limerence develops when attachment forms in response to intermittent reinforcement, unpredictable behaviour, or following experiences of rejection or emotional pain inflicted by the LO. In this clinical pattern, the LO may be inconsistent, occasionally cruel, dismissive, or manipulative, yet rather than diminishing attachment, this treatment intensifies it. The dynamic mirrors trauma bonding observed in abusive relationships, where periods of warmth or attention following mistreatment create powerful psychological bonds. The uncertainty and pain activate the same survival mechanisms that keep people attached to abusive partners, the desperate hope that if they just try harder or wait longer, consistent love will finally arrive.
Identity-Deficit Limerence - In identity-deficit limerence, the LO represents not who the person wants to be with, but who they want to become. The obsession centers on qualities, lifestyle, or characteristics the limerent person feels they lack, and the fantasy involves merging with or absorbing the LO's identity rather than forming a genuine relationship. This clinical pattern is particularly common during periods of identity formation or transition (adolescence, early adulthood, or major life changes) when the sense of self feels unstable or inadequate. The LO might embody confidence, creativity, social status, freedom, or other attributes the limerent person desperately desires for themselves. Celebrity or influencer limerence often falls into this category, where the LO represents an aspirational lifestyle rather than a realistic romantic partner. The person may fantasize less about intimate moments and more about becoming the type of person who would be worthy of the LO or who could inhabit the LO's world.
Obsessive-Compulsive Limerence - This clinical pattern more closely resembles pure OCD than typical limerence, characterized by intrusive thoughts about an LO that are unwanted, distressing, and ego-dystonic. Unlike other forms of limerence, where the person desires the feelings and fantasies, individuals with obsessive-compulsive limerence are often horrified by their thoughts and desperately wish they would stop. The LO may be someone highly inappropriate—a friend's partner, a family member, an authority figure, or someone the person has no actual desire to be with. These individuals experience significant anxiety and shame about having these thoughts, which paradoxically makes the thoughts more persistent and intrusive. The obsession feels alien to their values and sense of self, creating profound distress. They may engage in mental rituals (trying to "prove" they don't really have feelings, reviewing evidence of why the relationship would be wrong) or avoidance behaviours that interfere with daily functioning. This clinical pattern responds better to traditional OCD treatment protocols, including ERP specifically designed for intrusive thoughts, rather than relationship-focused interventions. The goal is to reduce compulsions and build tolerance for the thoughts without engaging with them, rather than processing the "relationship."
Attachment avoidant limerance - Some individuals experience limerence specifically toward emotionally unavailable or avoidant partners. The drive is likely influenced by the pursuit itself, rather than genuine intimacy (the pursuit serves as the primary driver). In these cases, limerence often diminishes rapidly once reciprocation occurs or the person becomes emotionally available. This pattern indicates that the limerent experience may function as a defence against actual closeness rather than a desire for it. These individuals may be unconsciously recreating familiar childhood dynamics in which they learned to seek validation from unavailable caregivers, finding psychological safety in yearning for what cannot be obtained. The unavailability of the LO protects the limerent person from the vulnerability and potential disappointment of real intimacy, allowing them to maintain an idealized fantasy without the risk of discovering the reality beneath it. When I treat this clinical pattern, I often explore fears of intimacy and examine how patterns of pursuing the unattainable serve a protective function.
Anxious-Preoccupied Limerence - Anxious-preoccupied limerence is directly rooted in anxious attachment patterns and is characterized by hypervigilance to any signs of rejection or waning interest, constant need for reassurance, and relationship anxiety even when the relationship actually exists. Unlike other clinical pattern where the LO is unavailable or the relationship is fantasy-based, this form can occur within established romantic partnerships, with the limerent person obsessively monitoring their partner's moods, availability, and level of engagement. These individuals experience intense anxiety about abandonment and interpret any distance, distraction, or autonomy on the part of the LO as evidence of impending rejection. They may engage in excessive checking behaviours, demand frequent reassurance, or test the relationship to confirm they are still valued. The obsessive preoccupation isn't just about desire but about managing anxiety, but rather the need to constantly verify the relationship's security and the partner's continued interest. Paradoxically, these behaviours can create distance and push the partner away, confirming the feared abandonment and intensifying the anxious attachment. This clinical pattern responds well to attachment-focused therapy that addresses the underlying insecurity, helps the person develop self-soothing capacities, and builds tolerance for the inevitable uncertainty present in all relationships. Relationship OCD (ROCD) needs to be ruled out when assessing for this clinical pattern.
Distinctions Between Anxious-Preoccupied Limerence and ROCD:
Anxious-Preoccupied Limerence:
The obsessive thoughts feel aligned with the person's desires and values
They want to think about their partner constantly
The preoccupation feels like love, even if distressing
They believe their worry is justified, given how much they care
ROCD:
The obsessive thoughts feel alien and unwanted (ego-dystonic)
They are distressed by having these thoughts, not just by their content
The person questions why they're having these doubts if they love their partner
There's a "this doesn't feel like me" quality to the obsessions
Validation-Addiction Limerence -Validation-addiction limerence is driven primarily by the need for external validation and ego gratification rather than genuine desire for connection or intimacy. The pursuit, conquest, or "winning over" of the LO becomes the goal, with interest often fading once the LO demonstrates consistent reciprocation or availability. This clinical pattern functions to feed narcissistic supply or temporarily relieve deep-seated shame and inadequacy. The LO is typically someone publicly desirable, conventionally attractive, high social status, sought after by others; because the validation derived comes partly from being chosen by someone others want. The limerent feelings are less about the specific person and more about what successfully attracting them says about the limerent individual's worth and desirability. This creates a paradoxical pattern where the person pursues intensely but loses interest once the challenge is removed, often quickly transferring attention to a new target who can provide the next validation hit. While related to worthiness limerence, this clinical pattern is more externally focused on social proof and comparative status rather than internal beliefs about deserving love. Treatment requires examining the underlying shame or inadequacy driving the constant need for external validation and developing more stable, internalized sources of self-worth.
Spiritual/Transcendent Limerence - Spiritual or transcendent limerence involves experiencing the LO as having profound spiritual or cosmic significance, often described through concepts like "twin flames," "soulmates," or karmic destiny. The connection feels divinely ordained or cosmically significant, transcending ordinary romantic attraction. These individuals often report experiencing synchronicities, signs from the universe, or a sense of recognition suggesting they've known the LO across lifetimes or that their meeting was fated. The relationship takes on a spiritual mission quality. The sufferer believes they were meant to find each other, that the universe is conspiring to bring them together, or that their union serves some higher purpose. This framework can border on magical thinking and makes the limerence particularly resistant to logical intervention, as any evidence against the relationship is interpreted as a "test" or obstacle the universe has placed in their path to strengthen their bond. Suffering and obstacles may be reframed as spiritually meaningful rather than as signs of incompatibility. The person may seek confirmation through tarot, astrology, psychics, or spiritual practices, and interpret ambiguous experiences as messages about the LO. Treatment requires respectfully examining how the spiritual narrative serves psychological needs while gently introducing reality testing and helping the person distinguish between genuine spiritual connection and projection-based fantasy.
Yearning for the Fantasy
The limerent person develops a narrative that places the LO on a pedestal. This idealization isn't based on who the LO actually is, but rather on who the limerent person imagines them to be. A cognitive distortion resembling thought- ction fusion appears to be at work: the limerent person's mind selectively processes information that confirms what they want to see while filtering out any evidence that the LO isn't actually right for them. When the LO withdraws attention, the limerent person begins to grieve the fantasy itself. What they're mourning is the imagined relationship, the story they constructed about what their life together would look like, and this creates a profound sense of loss. The hope that drives their continued attempts to reach out is based entirely on this fabricated idea of what they believe the relationship could become.
Clinical Pattern
Nostalgia-Based/Retrospective Limerence - Nostalgia-based limerence involves intense preoccupation with someone from the past (an ex-partner, "the one that got away," or a high school or college crush)often rekindled years or even decades later. This clinical pattern is frequently triggered by current relationship dissatisfaction, midlife transitions, or social media reconnection that provides a window into the person's current life. The limerent person reimagines the past relationship through rose colored glasses, selectively remembering positive moments while forgetting or minimizing the reasons the relationship ended or never developed. The LO becomes a symbol of lost youth, missed opportunities, or roads not taken, representing not just the person themselves but an entire life path that might have been. Social media amplifies this by allowing the person to curate a fantasy based on carefully selected glimpses of the LO's present life. The past relationship or connection is idealized as perfect or "meant to be," with the person believing that circumstances rather than fundamental incompatibility prevented the relationship. Treatment involves reality testing, helping the person examine what they're truly longing for (youth, freedom, passion, novelty) and whether it's actually about this specific person or about something missing in their current life that needs to be addressed directly.
Projection-Based Limerence - Projection-based limerence occurs when the person barely knows the LO but projects an entire elaborate personality, value system, and emotional landscape onto them based on minimal information. The LO becomes essentially a blank canvas upon which the limerent person paints their ideal partner, filling in vast unknowns with exactly what they most desire. This commonly develops from brief encounters, limited interactions, or online-only contact where the person has access to curated information but little genuine knowledge of who the LO actually is. A single conversation, a few social media posts, or even just physical appearance becomes the foundation for an entire imagined personality and relationship. When actual interaction occurs that contradicts the projection, the limerent person experiences cognitive dissonance but typically resolves it by finding ways to incorporate or explain away the contradictory information rather than revising their fantasy. The reality of who the person actually is becomes largely irrelevant. The LO's primary function is as a vessel for the limerent person's idealized vision. I often help my clients better understand what function this projection serves: What does this imagined perfect person provide that the limerent individual feels they cannot create or find elsewhere? The work involves helping the person recognize they've fallen in love with their own creation rather than a real human being.
Grief-avoidant limerence - emerges suddenly during periods of profound loss or transition, functioning as a psychological escape from unbearable emotions. This clinical pattern often develops following the end of a significant relationship, the death of a loved one, or major life changes that require processing difficult feelings. The limerent object serves as an emotional refuge and compelling distraction that fills the void left by loss (almost mimicing rebound relationship) and provides relief from grief, fear, or existential anxiety. The obsessive preoccupation with the LO effectively crowds out space for mourning, allowing the person to avoid confronting painful realities. The intensity of limerent feelings can feel preferable to the emptiness of grief, and the hope associated with the fantasy provides a sense of forward momentum when the person feels stuck in loss.
Cognitive Education
Educating patients on specific cognitive distortions is crucial:
Black-and-white thinking: The belief that the LO is "the one" or that life is meaningless without them
Thought-action fusion: The belief that thinking about the LO or the fantasy somehow makes it more real or likely to happen
Intolerance of uncertainty: The compulsive need to know where they stand with the LO, driving checking behaviors and reassurance-seeking
Emotional reasoning: Believing that because the feelings are so intense, they must be meaningful or "real love"
Mental filtering: Selectively attending to evidence that supports the fantasy while dismissing contradictory information
Learning to identify and challenge these distortions helps clients recognize how their thinking patterns perpetuate the limerent state.
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)
ERP remains a cornerstone of effective treatment by helping individuals reduce rituals and become aware of covert rituals that maintain the mental narrative. This includes:
Overt rituals to target:
Checking social media profiles
Driving past the LO's location
Engineering "coincidental" encounters
Asking mutual friends for information
Repeatedly reviewing past conversations or interactions
Covert rituals to identify:
Mental reviewing of interactions, analyzing every word or gesture
Elaborate fantasizing about future scenarios
Comparing oneself to potential rivals
Planning future conversations or rehearsing what to say
Seeking reassurance from friends about the "potential" of the relationship
The goal of ERP is not to eliminate thoughts about the LO but to break the behavioural cycle that reinforces those thoughts and prevents natural extinction of the obsession. I do believe that ERP cannot be the sole treatment consideration when treating limerence. Like OCD, individuals who suffer from limerence need to better understand their personal mental narrative. There are two mental narratives that need to be explored: the fantasy of what it would look like to be with the LO and what it would mean for the sufferer to not be with the LO. The process thereafter includes helping the client better understand how to cope with the mental narrative of not being with the LO. This information could be explored better by using the downward arrow technique (not going to be discussed in this reading) and having them explore each point in as much detail as possible. The downward arrow technique involves repeatedly asking 'And if that were true, what would that mean about you?' to uncover core beliefs underlying the catastrophe narrative. Often this reveals core fears about being alone forever, beliefs about being unlovable or defective, loss of identity or purpose, fears of regret, and existential emptiness. The fantasy (the other mental narrative) needs to be challenged. This could be done by helping the client better understand how their fantasy narrative is likely influenced by cognitive distortions (see above). The fantasy is often driven by black-and-white thinking.
Treatment considerations:
I diverge from much of the literature that frames limerence through an addiction model. While I acknowledge that, similar to OCD, there is a reward system that reinforces compulsive behaviours in limerence, I believe the addiction framework can be disempowering. Instead, treatment should emphasize agency and choice. People experiencing limerence need to understand that they are actively participating in these patterns and possess the capacity to make different choices. This means educating clients that they have agency: they can choose to engage with others in appropriate ways, they can choose not to ruminate or indulge the fantasy, they can choose to establish healthy boundaries with potential partners, and most importantly, they can walk away from making any decision (engage or not engage). Learning that you can walk away from making a choice to engage or not engage is quite powerful. Put simply, you do not have to make a choice about what you are going to do with their LO. I educate my clients to just walk away from the decision to engage and continue on with their day.
The Agency Model vs. The Disease Model
By emphasizing choice and agency rather than positioning limerence as an involuntary addiction or disease process, treatment empowers individuals to:
Take responsibility for their recovery without shame
Recognize they can tolerate uncomfortable feelings without acting on them
Understand that choosing differently may be difficult, but it is always possible
Build self-efficacy through making values-aligned choices even when emotionally difficult
It’s important to avoid framing limerence in a way that implies that having traits such as low self-esteem, insecure attachment patterns, or sensitivity to rejection automatically places someone into a diagnostic category if they experience intense infatuation. Romantic preoccupation and longing are common human experiences. The clinical question is not whether someone fits into a disorder label, but whether specific maintaining processes are creating distress, impairment, or rigidity in functioning. Any conceptual distinctions should be understood as descriptive and mechanism-focused, not as categorical judgments about personality or pathology.
Living with Limerence. (n.d.). Guide to limerence: A primer for coaches, counsellors and caring professionals. https://livingwithlimerence.com