Redefining Success: When Perfect Isn't Worth It

My mother recently decided to renovate her home. A phone call from my mother requesting that I pack up my possessions from my now vacated childhood bedroom. I walked in, seeing all four walls plastered with psychology-related notes highlighted with various fluorescent colours. I dedicated much of my life at that time to being the best psychology student. That dedication came at a cost: no breaks, few social connections, and heightened anxiety. Despite the cost, nothing was more important than being at the top. It was something I truly strived for, and I cannot lie - it helped me become the successful clinical psychologist I am today. I am thrilled to have reached my dream, but there was a cost. Often, I question the cost and sacrifice that have brought me to this point of success. Reflecting on my actions, I question whether I needed to burn it at both ends. Working with many professionals and executives today who also struggle with perfectionism, I can see how hard it is for them to also 'let go.' It also makes sense that they wouldn't want to let go, given that some of these behaviours have contributed to much of their success. But, as I highlight to many of my patients, it may be contributing to some success, but it's clear that perfectionism doesn't always work. 

Perfectionism tends to rear its ugly head when it starts to interfere with work, personal relationships, and daily functioning. Often, those who experience difficulties with perfectionism may also experience difficulties with symptoms of depression, burnout, anxiety, disordered eating and OCD. What is particularly interesting is the reluctance of individuals who experience perfectionism to seek help. There is something inherent that they are going to have to give up, and many people believe that giving up some of those behaviours will bring on more anxiety. If you can't truly be who you have known to become, then what are you really? There is quite a bit of anxiety when people think about behaving differently at work; most importantly, people who struggle with perfectionism don't know another way besides being 'less than.' However, less than is not the goal; it's striving to be a healthier version of yourself that is grounded through values that you believe are important. Self-reflection around values and beliefs can help bring awareness to what changes need to be made with work-related behaviours. Sometimes this requires even addressing personally held beliefs that interfere with those values. For instance, Tom believes that daily advertising is crucial for his business. He spends countless hours creating content for his social accounts, which often comes at the expense of spending time with his family after work. Tom values spending time with his children and is considering challenging his belief that he needs to create content after hours, every day, to stay relevant.    

The impression of those with perfectionism is that they would have to settle for being 'average.' That may not be entirely what someone with perfectionism values. I struggle to appreciate average or 'ok' work. Nor do I strive to be an 'average' psychologist. What I do value and strive for is being extraordinary. There is a difference between being extraordinary and being dysfunctionally perfect. Being extraordinary allows me to be the best psychologist I can be without sacrificing my values, burning out, or giving up aspects of my life and health that are important to me. This cognitive shift has helped me become a better psychologist. I have more to give and ultimately be more present with each of my patients. However, at times, admittedly, it's very easy for me to revert to old habits and become overly perfectionistic, but being mindful and aware helps me get back on track and move in a direction that aligns with my values. 

It's easy to get consumed by what success has brought you and how our mental health can be influenced by how we work and the standards we set. If you are struggling with perfectionism, I recommend that you connect with a provider who has experience working with such issues. The International OCD Foundation has a service provider listing that could help you find someone in your area. Feel free to let me know your thoughts via email.