When “Good Enough” Never Feels Good Enough
It can be so exhausting to continuously think about what you could have done better. Always focusing on mistakes, dwelling on what you could have done better, or even replaying conversations in your head. The term “You’re just a perfectionist” may surface, though many people don’t know exactly what is meant by that.
On the surface, being a perfectionist may reflect a hardworking, responsible, and motivated individual, but for most people there is a looming sense of feeling like your best is not enough, that you can’t afford to get something wrong, and that you need to work overtime to have something be 100% perfect.
This is what makes perfectionism much more complicated.
Perfectionism and High Standards
One misconception about perfectionism is that it is just another way of saying a person has high standards…but this is just not true. Anyone can have high standards, but research suggests that the more concerning side of perfectionism is what happens when those standards become associated with harsh self-analysis and fears of falling short (Callaghan et al., 2024). Perfectionism has also been divided into two dimensions; perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns (Callaghan et al., 2024).
The first, perfectionistic strivings, involves setting ambitious goals and trying to satisfy the need to achieve them. Whereas perfectionistic concerns are when you become preoccupied with your mistakes, never feel good enough, or be highly critical of yourself when you fall short (Callaghan et al., 2024).
A 2023 systematic review and meta-analysis examined 416 studies involving more than 113,000 participants. It found that perfectionistic concerns had a stronger relationship with symptoms of anxiety, depression, and OCD than perfectionistic strivings (Callaghan et al., 2024).
In other words, the problem may not be focusing on wanting to do well, but instead the overwhelming belief that doing well is what proves your worth. This is the distinction between the two that truly matters.
When Striving Becomes A Trap
Striving occurs when a persistent effort is made to achieve the desired goal, sometimes it can bring beneficial outcomes, but it is also where perfectionism can become especially difficult to recognize. This is mostly because sometimes it works: all of the longer study sessions, rechecking your work, pushing yourself to improve, or noticing details others may not. Sometimes these things can genuinely help you succeed, but other times perfectionism can slowly move the goal line (Egan et al., 2011).
For example, if someone sets a goal to simply finish a task, and then they do, their first thought might be that they could have done it better. Forcing themselves to work harder the next time sets higher standards that increase the more they fixate on their work.
Eventually accomplishment doesn't bring satisfaction; it brings stress to do better than before through self-criticism and second guessing.
This is part of what psychologist Jeff Szymanski describes in The Perfectionists Handbook as the perfectionism paradox. This is when the same drive that motivates achievement can also create stress, making it increasingly difficult to feel satisfied with that achievement (Szymanski, 2011). For instance, the goal was supposed to be doing well, but somewhere along the way the goal turned into never being substandard.
When Perfectionism Meets Anxiety
When mistakes feel unacceptable and uncertainty becomes uncomfortable, this is when perfectionism creates a frustrating anxiety cycle.
Someone may start by simply having high standards, which can then morph into a fear of falling short, increasing anxiety. The raised levels of anxiety lead to more compensatory behaviours, including checking, preparation, avoidance, or self-criticism. These strategies, meant to prevent mistakes, provide temporary relief but keep you trapped in a cycle of fear. This leads to greater pressure the next time a situation comes up (Egan et al., 2011).
Research has consistently identified perfectionism as something called a transdiagnostic process, where needing to have a level of perfection can occur across several forms of psychological distress, including anxiety and OCD (Egan et al., 2011; Lunn et al., 2023).
When Perfectionism Meets OCD
It is important to note that perfectionism and OCD are not the same thing. Many people hold the misconception that OCD means that that person needs everything to be “right,” but having OCD doesn't necessarily mean that someone is a perfectionist. Someone can be a perfectionist without having OCD, and perfectionistic thinking can play an important role in OCD for some people. As is known, it can become a demand for certainty.
Perfectionism is highly prevalent among people with OCD and may contribute to the maintenance of OCD symptoms. It can interfere with treatment when someone feels they need to complete exposures “perfectly,” becomes discouraged when progress isn't happening quickly enough, or avoids an exposure because they're afraid of doing it incorrectly (Pinto et al., 2017).
Perfectionism might say, “I need to do this perfectly.” OCD can turn that into, “I need to know with absolute certainty that I did this correctly.” Though when certainty never arrives, the checking, reassurance-seeking, reviewing, correcting, or other compulsions can continue (Pinto et al., 2017).
The Hardest Part About Perfectionism
Perfectionism can make accomplishments feel empty. Concluding a task you've been working hard toward should feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. But when your mind focuses on what you could have done better, a detail you could fix, or another standard to reach, then there is no enjoyment of the accomplishment, and no relief felt when a task is completed. Eventually, the focus on avoiding failure overwrites what you were trying to achieve in the first place.
So, what does getting better actually look like?
Healing and enjoying the accomplishments you complete doesn't mean lowering every standard you have. Instead, it may be learning the simple lesson that one mistake does not define who you are or your value as a person. With this also comes adjustments to standards; to accept something as good and not perfect, and perhaps learn to tolerate the uncomfortable feeling that comes with not knowing.
For someone experiencing OCD, this can be particularly important as evidence-based treatments help people to gradually face feared thoughts, situations, or uncertainties while resisting the compulsive responses that follow (Pinto et al., 2017). Furthermore, someone whose perfectionism tells them that treatment must also be done correctly may need to learn that there is no perfect, or one way, to recover from OCD.
Recovery cannot be done perfectly, and recovery is far from linear. Sometimes trying your best can easily be good enough, and it's a hard truth some people need to respect and understand. However, for some people, accepting “good enough” can initially feel like a failure. But what if it isn't?
Maybe good enough is just accepting that sometimes the goal isn't to get everything exactly right. Sometimes the goal is simply to get through it safely, learn what you can, and keep moving forward. For someone who struggles with perfectionism, this can feel uncomfortable, but uncomfortable doesn't mean wrong.
Sometimes getting as close as you can is enough, and learning that you do not have to be perfect to be worthy of being proud of yourself; the first step is to let something be imperfect.
Seeking Support
If perfectionistic thoughts are causing significant anxiety, interfering with your relationships, school, work, or daily life, or becoming connected to compulsive behaviours, you don't have to figure it out alone. A mental health professional can help you understand the patterns you're experiencing and identify approaches that can help.
If perfectionism is intertwined with OCD, treatment can specifically address the obsessions, compulsions, and underlying fears that keep the cycle going.
You don't need to become a person who doesn't care. You deserve to become a person who can care deeply without needing everything to be perfect.
Sources:
Callaghan, T., Greene, D., Shafran, R., Lunn, J., & Egan, S. J. (2024). The relationships between perfectionism and symptoms of depression, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder in adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 53(2), 121–132. https://doi.org/10.1080/16506073.2023.2277121
Egan, S. J., Wade, T. D., & Shafran, R. (2011). Perfectionism as a transdiagnostic process: A clinical review. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(2), 203–212. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.04.009
Lunn, J., Greene, D., Callaghan, T., & Egan, S. J. (2023). Associations between perfectionism and symptoms of anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression in young people: A meta-analysis. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 52(5), 460–487. https://doi.org/10.1080/16506073.2023.2211736
Pinto, A., Dargani, N., Wheaton, M. G., Cervoni, C., Rees, C. S., & Egan, S. J. (2017). Perfectionism in obsessive-compulsive disorder and related disorders: What should treating clinicians know? Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, 12, 102–108. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jocrd.2017.01.001
Szymanski, J. (2011). The perfectionist’s handbook: Take risks, invite criticism, and make the most of your mistakes. Wiley.